I have followed my 2nd page!!! Huzzah!!!!
I wanna get this down while it’s still fresh in my head…..
Coming back from dropping off Linda at work. Heading North up Mulberry St. Just before the college. A young lady, probably a student was crossing the street. Fit, pretty, brown short cut faded up the back of her neck and sides, couple of ear rings, black Doc Martins, over white socks. Regular cut blue jeans with the cuffs rolled up, black leather belt with a plain, silver metal buckle. A plain white tee shirt, black leather classic biker style jacket.
PERFECT!…..PERFECT!….this was the late 70-early 80….NYC PUNK LOOK!! Not the British safety pins and Mohawks, N..Y… Fuckin’ C garage rock PUNK…..We’re talking Richard Hell, Gen X, Jim Carrol band, the R. A. M.O N. E. S!!!!!!
I was GUT PUNCHED by an incredible wave of nostalgia, I was ELATED anyone was still rocking that look, and this young lady was ROCKIN’ IT!!!
But at the same time, it made me terribly, terribly sad!!! I wanted to jump out of my car, run over, grab her by the shoulders and shake her shouting….”Listen..Listen!!! LOOK AT ME!! Grab this time by the throat!!! Squeeze out EVERY FUCKING PRECIOUS DROP OF IT!!! Because in the blink of an eye, that snap of a finger, you’re going to be over 50!!! Wondering what happened?, why does everything hurt all the time? Where did all that time go?”
Of course, I did no such thing. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and drove on when the light turned green. because that’s how the really real world works.
Beautiful day out there today, like a tiny breath of spring in the middle of winter. But winter takes back over starting tomorrow….like it always does.
As we close out the teens, and enter the 20’s….(DON’T FUCKING CORRECT ME). I am not filled with hope. Fair warning first off. This will be honest and dark.
This is almost undoubtedly my last decade. I’m 54, over 400 pounds, my circulation is going. my eyes are going, I’m becoming less and less mobile, I’m seeing more, and more signs of SERIOUS medical issues, and come from a genetic background on BOTH sides that is rife with heart conditions and cancers. This isn’t pessimism, it’s realism. I’m not guaranteeing this is so, But it is the most likely outcome. The chances of me being anything but a box of ashes by 2030 is pretty slim. I will do my best to hang on. I love Linda, and don’t want to leave her. But “my time” is NOT up to me.
I don’t see much hope for the 2020’s. We barely made it through 2019. If we hadn’t been bailed out by LARGE influxes of cash from several friends I don’t feel worthy of deserving, we WOULD have been homeless by now. Not MIGHT, ABSOLUTELY WOULD. This is not hyperbole, it’s math. Our income is lower than out outgo. Linda employer doesn’t pay enough, (Though JUST enough now to disqualify us for ALL assistance of course) and I am a useless parasite. I made significantly less on eBay this year than last, I have had NO luck finding work, and I am no longer really qualified to DO much of anything anymore. (Don’t ask, I’m tired of explaining why) I do everything I can to bring in every dime I can manage, and I try and take care of all the support functions, but those don’t pay the bills. I’ve sold pretty much everything of monetary value I own, And I can’t find ANY other ways to significantly lower our expenses. Something is going to give. Unless we get a genuine miracle, like a BIG monetary windfall, or me falling into a job that is a PERFECT fit, We will probably fail out as even tenants this year.
Not looking forward to death, not looking forward to homelessness, not looking forward to failing Linda. But Unless something out of our hands happens in a BIG, positive way, It’s inevitable.
Oddly though, I STILL don’t regret having moved to PA.
Happy New Year all….(And I don’t even mean that ironically. I love you guys, and hope you really do have a good year)
Just found a great page called VVS Air War!!! Super fun stuff….(If you’re a dedicated WW2 Aviation geek like me)
UP KRAZNOVIA!!! Down with Pineland!!!
Word press and dreamwidth, the pages I can freely angst on, because I don’t think ANYONE reads them.
Christ, the house is so quiet without her here. It’s like she took the life with her when she left. I know it’s only a week. she’ll be back next Sunday, but I spent so much of my life miserable and lonely that after 7 years of the happiness she gives me, I just don’t have any armor against it anymore. Sleeping in that bed that seems so small and cozy will feel like I’m laying in the middle of a stadium without her warm, soft, loving presence.
I can’t post to FB about this. I promised people I wouldn’t angst, I don’t want Linda to read this stuff and feel bad, (I genuinely DO want her to relax and have a good time at Pennsic, her job in retail is hellish) and also, because my Aunt Thelma reads my FB page, and she just lost her husband or over 50 years to cancer, so me whining about having to give up my wife for a measley week seems so pathetic.
But my “sad” is real. I’m in the darkness fighting “the Monster” in my brain ALL the time, with Linda being the only light in my life, so for me, this is an entire week of night, with no sun, no light, no joy.
I used to live in the dark, it was comfortable, familiar. But then I married Linda, and I was able to surface from the abyss. So it’s much harder to deal with, and to fight the monsters in the dark now. You don’t really understand how good joy is until it’s taken away.
I’ll live, it’s just a week. but it will be a sad, lonely, pointless week until she returns.
Model Building Update. The 1966 vintage 1/72 scale Lindberg Dornier DO-335 is just about done. All that is left is decals, try and clean up the cockpit glass frame paint, then clear coat. The 1973 vintage 1/48 scale K&B P-26 is about 99% assembled. All that is left is to run the radio aerial wire from the top of the vertical tail to the top of the pilots head rest. Using 15 LB. test fishing line, zap-a-gap, and a pin drill, I managed for the first time in my life, to rig the support wires for the wings on an airplane that was supposed to have them!!! Did both the upper and lower wings. (I just couldn’t manage the fiddly twin X wires between the landing gear spats.) Then it’s just paint, decals and clear coat. I will of course post photo’s when they are done. On deck, a 1/72 scale late 1960’s early 1970’s vintage Monogram Grumman F7F-N3 Tiger Cat. Got it SUPER cheap as it had no box. Should be another fun, simple build.
I realized something important….I figured out what the emotion/feeling it is I have when I’m elbow deep in plastic parts, and glue, and files, and filler, and X-acto knives, and clothes pins, and paint. It’s contentment.
When I’m in the process of working on a model, I’m content.
I was 4 years old. I remember sitting on the floor in my living room on the scratchy shag carpet in my footy pajamas, The lights were off, and it was dark except for the circle of light thrown by the TV. My Mom and Dad were sitting on the couch, and they were very, very quiet. I didn’t quite understand what was going on on the TV, but I KNEW it was important because of how quiet Mommy and Daddy were.
July 20th 1969……1 small step…..
A small musing on model building. Over the last few months via some sharp trading and some auction hunting I have managed to put together a reasonable stash of kits to build. While expending a fairly small amount of resources. The majority are actually old models from the 1970’s and 80’s. Considered “vintage”. I don’t want “challenging” kits. I want the nostalgic, simple kits I built as a kid. I have some aircraft, some armor, some ships, some SF stuff. There are a few more on the way, but I’m just about done. The list of things I actually wanna build is not endless, lots of stuff just doesn’t float my boat. Our resources aren’t endless either, and we have limited space. For example, I was seriously considering the old Renwal Terra-cruiser with Mace Missile kit. Until I went on Youtube to watch a few build vids, and realized that the completed kit is almost 3 feet long!!!! We LITERALLY have NO PLACE to put that!!!!
The real issue now is interest and money. 1930’s through 1970’s is my time frame. WW2, pre-WW2-Cold War and potentially any possible Martian invasion. It gives me a broad scope. And I LOVE odd camo schemes and aircraft in unusual markings.
As of now I have NO Helicopters. There are only a few I want. (They’re kind of fiddly to build and the rotors are fragile). The only DEFINITE want is the old Aurora 1/72 scale AH-56 Cheyenne. in the “kinda” slot are the Aurora 1/48 Kaman HH-43 Huskie, and the Airfix 1/72 Fairy Roto-dyne. and in the possibly slot is the old Piaseki H-21 “Banana Helicopter.
Problem is those top 2? Rare and collectable. $80 and up. NOT paying that for a kit I wanna build. In fact my limit is $ 20 on ANY model. (And lower is better, but unfortunately, sometimes lower gets you a BOAT that was supposed to be a GUNboat) The object of this hobby is for it to be inexpensive. TRYING to keep it that way.
Another example….in the armor arena. Old Renwal Sky sweeper anti-aircraft gun. No,1 on my want list. Bidding war going on for one right now. About $50. (Or buy it now for $107 + $12 shipping!!!) next cheapest is $175. For a kit that sold for about $8 new in the 70’s. and was often in the sale bin in the 90’s!!!!
I WANT it, but I don’t want it THAT bad…..(Eh. maybe I’ll luck into a cheap one)
The upshot of it all, I am feeling GUILTY as hell for spending money we need for “adulting” on something that feels so frivolous, but I have been finding the process of hunting for the models, and more importantly, WORKING ON the models, VERY enjoyable.
Remember the Maine!!!